I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
