I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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