I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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