im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
