Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
