i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
