If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
