can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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