I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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