I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
