she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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