i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
