I want to have your abortion
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
