Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
