i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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