why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize