I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
