She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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