There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
