so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
