Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
