I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
