I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
