just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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