I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
