Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
