I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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