apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
