Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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