I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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