So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How does one acquire holy water?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
