yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
