I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
