Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
