shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
