Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
