Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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