hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
