I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
