Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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