i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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