I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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