Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The maid of honor just puked.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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