The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
