Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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