I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
