just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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