Cold hands, warm shart.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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