On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
