I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
