trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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