I accidentally burped into my bong.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
