Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
