i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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