That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
