I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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