you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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