TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
