I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
