I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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