One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
