Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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