You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
