the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
