did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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