The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
